Menopausal Prayer
Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is VERY important that these four men don't know each other.
Boob story
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Family Planning
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the
marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm
gal. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby
right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had
discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait
awhile.
Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth
control she planned to use. Her answer was the rhythm method. That
will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using.” I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, yes that will
work as long as you don't forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on
using. Her answer was “The pail and saucer method”. After a short
delay, he again told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date
For a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were
pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used
and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but
some how got her notes mixed up and,” well here I am, going to have a
baby”.
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she
replied, “the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and
I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby”.
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember
you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that
don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you
explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied,” Well we make love standing up, and since I am
quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside
down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get
as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.
Marriage - ( Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me - Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're
here or not!."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Reasons why Women find it hard to find a man!!
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The nice men are ugly.
-
The handsome men are not nice.
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The handsome and nice men are gay.
-
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
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The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
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The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
we are only after their money.
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The handsome men without money are after our money.
-
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
don't think we are beautiful enough.
-
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.
-
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST
MOVE!!!!
-
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest
in us when we take the initiative.
Teenage Dressing
A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
You have to stay in shape.
My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
I know what Victoria's Secret is.
The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
Berita Menopos - September 2006